


The Anatomy of a Snowflake

by OnceYoungHearts



Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Long-Distance Relationship, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-19
Updated: 2019-09-19
Packaged: 2020-10-24 07:33:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,415
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20702252
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OnceYoungHearts/pseuds/OnceYoungHearts
Summary: Brendon listens to a voice recording from his long-distance boyfriend.





	The Anatomy of a Snowflake

Brendon sat on the couch, smiling tightly at his parents as they got ready to leave for church. He rarely got a spare moment alone without one of his family members looking over his shoulder, trying to read his phone, or his book, or really just getting all up in his business. He didn't mind for the most part, but Sunday mornings had quickly become his favourite time of the week. Having a few solid hours alone had ended up being worth the looks of disappointment his parents frequently shot at him. 

His mom bent down to place a kiss on his forehead, and his stomach constricted a little with guilt. "You know you can always change your mind and come with us." His mom said gently. He flinched without meaning to. "Even if you're having doubts about your beliefs, you'll always be welcome." He nodded and she followed the rest of the family out to the car, sending one more glance back at him over her shoulder.

The second the door shut he was on his feet, peeking out from behind the curtain to watch the car back out of the driveway and disappear down the street. He raced up the stairs to his bedroom, logging into his computer and waiting for the browser to load. 

Brendon's leg bounced nervously as he navigated through the shared dropbox, scrolling until he found the audio file with today's date on it. He smiled as he opened it and saw that it was longer than usual in duration. He plugged his over ear headphones into the computer and laid down on his bed, wiggling to get comfortable amongst the pillows and closing his eyes.

"Hey." The familiar voice said. Brendon's skin prickled with goosebumps as the silky dark tone of the speaker filled his ears. He loved Ryan's voice more than any other sound. "I um... had an interesting week. I don't know how it happened, but I kind of mentioned you to my friend Spencer." 

Brendon's eyes shot open and his jaw dropped. "I talk about you a lot in general, but I'd always just said 'my friend' or something. This time I just said Brendon without thinking and Spencer was like 'who's Brendon' and-" Ryan took a deep breath to stop his rambling sentence that had been picking up the pace as it went on.

Brendon couldn't help grinning at the ceiling as he pictured Ryan talking about him to his best friend. He wondered what Ryan had said about him; what words had he used to describe him? He loved the idea of Ryan being so excited to talk about him that he'd forgotten to be careful.

"I guess it was about time anyway. We've been talking for months now." There was a slight pause in the recording, and Brendon checked that it was still playing as complete silence attacked his ears. "Five months next Friday." Ryan's voice eventually said, quieter than before. 

Brendon was surprised he knew that. He still remembered the day he'd first messaged Ryan on instagram. The guy was so hot, and Brendon had been following him for a while, silently lusting after him. When Ryan quoted an obscure lyric in the caption of a selfie, Brendon had seized the opportunity to playfully call him out on it while also complimenting his taste. It took over a week for Ryan to answer, and he'd given up all hope by that point, but they instantly clicked. He'd talked to Ryan every day since then, mostly in text form, although they'd started sending these voice files once a week and they were far superior in Brendon's opinion. 

"Anyway, once I got over the pure panic of slipping up, Spencer was awesome. He's been really supportive, and he wants to eventually meet you. After I have, of course." Ryan's voice sounded like he was smiling, and it made Brendon's heart swell. "I can't wait for summer. I swear, the second school ends I'm getting in my car and driving straight to Vegas. I won't even take breaks to eat or piss."

Somehow that was the most romantic thing anyone had ever said to Brendon. Or rather, said, recorded, and sent to him. He rolled over onto his side on the mattress, reaching an arm out in front of him. He imagined the other boy laying there, staring back at him as he pushed a piece of hair out of his eyes. His heart beat a little quicker at the daydream, imagining Ryan leaning closer and connecting their lips. 

The illusion was broken when Ryan's voice started speaking again. Brendon had loved Ryan's voice from the second he heard it, but over time it had become one of his favourite sounds. The deep, soft voice that spoke with a tentative confidence washed over him like a wave of calming, and at night he would hear that voice, sometimes just talking, other times singing. That was always the best part for him, when Ryan would play him songs on his guitar, singing lyrics that he had written about him. That made Brendon feel like the most important person in the world. 

"I had this thought spiral the other night when I was smoking with Jon." Ryan continued. Brendon took pride in knowing all of Ryan's friends, even if they weren't aware of his existence just yet. "We got a little higher than I'd planned for a Tuesday night, but it lead to this line of reasoning that felt so important at the time, and I couldn't stop thinking that I had to share it with you."

Brendon rolled his eyes affectionately, and pictured a stoned Ryan feeling so enlightened that he had to tell Brendon this bit of wisdom the weed had unlocked. He couldn't stop from smiling because Ryan thought about him so often. It was reassuring that the obsession he had formed over this boy he'd never met was at least reciprocated.

"So, here it is, and it's going to sound so dumb now that I'm sober... But let me preface this with the note that it's not so much a thought that has never occurred to anyone, it's just not something I'd managed to truly feel as a fact until it came up this time." Brendon waved his hand in the air, waiting for Ryan to just tell him what it was already. "Okay, you're probably yelling at me to get on with it. I'm stalling."

Brendon laughed aloud at how accurate that statement was. "Okay," Ryan finally continued after laughing at himself for a moment. "So, Jon and I were talking about being immortal, stay with me, and he said something about how boring that would be. But, how could anyone possibly get bored of living? If that's honestly how you feel, then you're probably not living the right way. Not to say I am, but there are so many things to learn, or to study, that you could never exhaust the supply of them. You can tell I had these thoughts high, can't you?" The softest breath of a laugh came through the speakers and it made the air in Brendon's lungs get stuck. He realised he'd caught feelings for Ryan faster than he'd ever thought possible.

"Is this making any sense?" Ryan asked quietly. Brendon nodded, despite the uselessness of the action. "There are just so many complex infinities of things you could learn. You could spend lifetimes just studying the various chemical compositions in a toad, or the anatomy of a snowflake. Everything is so unendingly fascinating, and the idea of getting bored when there's so much out there to be discovered... Well it's unimaginable." Brendon felt a chill run up his spine as Ryan's words sunk in. It had started off as drug-induced ramblings about the beauty of life, but maybe there was something real underneath it all. 

"I uh... I have to go, but I look forward to hearing from you. I hope you have a good week in school, and know that I miss you, as crazy as it may seem to miss someone you've never met. It's kind of like that nostalgia for a place you've never been. I think there's a German word for it. But yeah... Bye, Brendon." There were a few seconds of dead air before the file ended. 

Brendon blinked back the tears that threatened to spill from his eyes. "Bye, Ryan." He said into the silence of his bedroom.


End file.
